vanehwasreal:

i aM FUCKING HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER

"at my school the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see ‘em and they got passed back the cop had 4"

(via fortheloveofhawaii)

    waitress: i'm sorry we're all out of mozzarella sticks
    waitress: sir please stop cyring

operameister:

thisismythanksgivingurl-gobble:

agentgreenfishy:

poselikeateam:

fuck-i-just:

Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”

Why does this not have any notes?

lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”

“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”

“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”

(via queenoftheshadows)

pvnk-is-dad:

I crave intimacy but I get confused and uncomfortable when I’m shown even the slightest bit of attention or affection.

(Source: evolved-emo, via guy)

youdeanatsix:

When I’m home alone it’s a choice of:

  1. Take selfies all around the house.
  2. Masturbate.
  3. Eat everything

Or all of the above.

(via blaccxhollywood)

and-the-two-idiots:

stripedpants:

My brother’s friend was starting to apply for colleges. And one of the colleges he applied to required a 3 page essay explaining what daring meant to them.

So being the clever person he was

On the each page he wrote 1 word with huge font,

THIS

IS

DARING

And he later got accepted. 

this is my favorite story on tumblr

(via this-fandom-is-on-crack)